Blog CemeteryMuzikal Mafia Official Rant: In General...
December 18th 2006 02:06
Deorre recently had a post about a good old-fashioned ventilation of anger. I participated and it got me to thinking about...of course, music. I was thinking that music is really the backdrop to our lives. Right now, my backdrop is very loud, very angry Godsmack.
When I am highly pissed off, I need good, loud, angry music. Alanis Morrisette pre-naked in a grocery store thanking India...Godsmack, Alice in Chains...I need someone to scream for me. I can't do it.
First of all, I work for a verrrrry uptight pharmaceutical company. It wouldn't go over well for me to just start screaming. I live in America. If someone starts screaming, especially in a place of business, people hit the floor for cover and ask questions later. I would get fired.
Even if I didn't have the job, and just started ranting and screaming and having a good fit, I would be arrested for suspicion of public intoxication. I can't afford the bail.
Even if I could afford the bail and did it after work, I have four children to attend to. I can't afford that much therapy.
Even if I didn't have four children, I have a Shih Tsu. I can't afford to replace the carpeting.
Even if I didn't have the Shih Tsu, I have Bipolar disorder...it would make my husband and friends a bit jumpy.
See my problem?
There is always something stopping me from really expressing my anger. So, when I came across Deorre's rant...well hell's bells, I was on it! It felt GREAT. Sure, I was nervous at first...but I kind of eased into and really enjoyed myself. I am posting it here for you to see what was going on then...just to sort of...get you prepared for what I am about to do.
"Deorre,
Really? I can just go off. Right now. You won't care? You won't turn me in to Orble or anything? Well, okay...I...I will try... *clearing throat* I'm kind of nervous...*giggle* I don't want to make anyone mad...
Here I go...*taking a deep breath*
I am f*cking sick and tired of everyone telling me how to f*cking comment, not to FUCKING swear, who to support, who not to, who to insult and who not to, who to stand up to, who to back down from, how to f*cking write, how not to insult those who wish to insult ME. I am F*CKING tired of every damn time I turn the f*ck around, someone is telling me how much more integrity they have to their writing (or f*cking art for that matter) than me because every once in a godd*mn while, I throw a f*cking cussword in somewhere or I write about f*cking eating a godd*mn CHEESEBURGER. Do not even LOOK at me if you plan to tell me further how to live my godd*mned life or write my posts. Please, everyone go back to their posts and continue f*cking writing WITHOUT censorship.
WOW. THAT FELT GREAT!! I need a cigarette.
*smile*
Voices~"
Well, THANK YOU, Deorre!
Now, for your entertainment, I am going to have a bit of a fit. I deserve it. I have dealt with some major shit this weekend. I have NO idea what I am going to say, it may be just stupid and funny or it may be completely sad. I don't know. I do know that I am pissed. It's my blog. I can do whatever I want to, right? *putting in my Godsmack* So, here goes...
"I am a mother of four, a full-time college student, full-time employee and wife. I am sick and tired of people looking at me as if I have all the time in the world to listen to their shit and clean up their shit and fix their shit. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I have had it up to HERE with requests for my time. I HAVE NONE. UNLESS I forego the four hours -on a good night- of sleep that I get per night now. Of course, that wouldn't be good, what with the bipolar and the precariously delicate balancing act I am already embroiled in. Guess what? College? Forget about it. There is no way that I am going to finish this semester because for some reason, no one has enough common sense to just fuck off for a few weeks. DEAR GOD, must I spell it out for you? There is no way on god's creation, that there is enough time, between now and March to finish. Know why? Because I am completely 100% disposable. No one gives a flying fuck how much is on my plate, save my husband. You need Christmas shopping done? Voices is your girl. You need your house cleaned? Who ya gonna call? You're too fucking stupid to keep your kids home when they are sick? Go ahead, bring them around Voices kids!! She has only had to take one to the hospital over it. Who cares?? It's just CHRISTMAS!! Now, I am begging you. Have some common sense. For the love of God...let me do what I need to do here. Let me focus on ME for once in my life. Let me sacrifice you for a change. Let me go for the gold and get my damn degree. I promise you, I will always be stuck in BFE. I am going nowhere. All I want right now...in this life...more than anything...is to have a piece of paper with my fucking name on it that says that someday, if I wanted to, when the kids are grown and hubby is retired...We could get the hell out. I could be someone. Be someone that everyone would be proud of, for once. Do something for ME, DAMMIT!"
*awkward silence.*
Okaaaaay. Wow. *Taking medication and making a note to call the doctor*
Your turn.
When I am highly pissed off, I need good, loud, angry music. Alanis Morrisette pre-naked in a grocery store thanking India...Godsmack, Alice in Chains...I need someone to scream for me. I can't do it.
From My Personal Collection...of Nothing.
First of all, I work for a verrrrry uptight pharmaceutical company. It wouldn't go over well for me to just start screaming. I live in America. If someone starts screaming, especially in a place of business, people hit the floor for cover and ask questions later. I would get fired.
Even if I didn't have the job, and just started ranting and screaming and having a good fit, I would be arrested for suspicion of public intoxication. I can't afford the bail.
Even if I could afford the bail and did it after work, I have four children to attend to. I can't afford that much therapy.
Even if I didn't have four children, I have a Shih Tsu. I can't afford to replace the carpeting.
Even if I didn't have the Shih Tsu, I have Bipolar disorder...it would make my husband and friends a bit jumpy.
See my problem?
There is always something stopping me from really expressing my anger. So, when I came across Deorre's rant...well hell's bells, I was on it! It felt GREAT. Sure, I was nervous at first...but I kind of eased into and really enjoyed myself. I am posting it here for you to see what was going on then...just to sort of...get you prepared for what I am about to do.
"Deorre,
Really? I can just go off. Right now. You won't care? You won't turn me in to Orble or anything? Well, okay...I...I will try... *clearing throat* I'm kind of nervous...*giggle* I don't want to make anyone mad...
Here I go...*taking a deep breath*
I am f*cking sick and tired of everyone telling me how to f*cking comment, not to FUCKING swear, who to support, who not to, who to insult and who not to, who to stand up to, who to back down from, how to f*cking write, how not to insult those who wish to insult ME. I am F*CKING tired of every damn time I turn the f*ck around, someone is telling me how much more integrity they have to their writing (or f*cking art for that matter) than me because every once in a godd*mn while, I throw a f*cking cussword in somewhere or I write about f*cking eating a godd*mn CHEESEBURGER. Do not even LOOK at me if you plan to tell me further how to live my godd*mned life or write my posts. Please, everyone go back to their posts and continue f*cking writing WITHOUT censorship.
WOW. THAT FELT GREAT!! I need a cigarette.
*smile*
Voices~"
Well, THANK YOU, Deorre!
Now, for your entertainment, I am going to have a bit of a fit. I deserve it. I have dealt with some major shit this weekend. I have NO idea what I am going to say, it may be just stupid and funny or it may be completely sad. I don't know. I do know that I am pissed. It's my blog. I can do whatever I want to, right? *putting in my Godsmack* So, here goes...
"I am a mother of four, a full-time college student, full-time employee and wife. I am sick and tired of people looking at me as if I have all the time in the world to listen to their shit and clean up their shit and fix their shit. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I have had it up to HERE with requests for my time. I HAVE NONE. UNLESS I forego the four hours -on a good night- of sleep that I get per night now. Of course, that wouldn't be good, what with the bipolar and the precariously delicate balancing act I am already embroiled in. Guess what? College? Forget about it. There is no way that I am going to finish this semester because for some reason, no one has enough common sense to just fuck off for a few weeks. DEAR GOD, must I spell it out for you? There is no way on god's creation, that there is enough time, between now and March to finish. Know why? Because I am completely 100% disposable. No one gives a flying fuck how much is on my plate, save my husband. You need Christmas shopping done? Voices is your girl. You need your house cleaned? Who ya gonna call? You're too fucking stupid to keep your kids home when they are sick? Go ahead, bring them around Voices kids!! She has only had to take one to the hospital over it. Who cares?? It's just CHRISTMAS!! Now, I am begging you. Have some common sense. For the love of God...let me do what I need to do here. Let me focus on ME for once in my life. Let me sacrifice you for a change. Let me go for the gold and get my damn degree. I promise you, I will always be stuck in BFE. I am going nowhere. All I want right now...in this life...more than anything...is to have a piece of paper with my fucking name on it that says that someday, if I wanted to, when the kids are grown and hubby is retired...We could get the hell out. I could be someone. Be someone that everyone would be proud of, for once. Do something for ME, DAMMIT!"
*awkward silence.*
Okaaaaay. Wow. *Taking medication and making a note to call the doctor*
Your turn.
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Comment by Brenton
Dr Spin
Tales From The Other Side
Downwrite
Blip Blog
Gadget Museum
Comment by The Voices in my Head
The Voices in my Head
Well, it's a cute big dumb grin. *smile* Thanks for the comment. If you feel the need at some point, come on back here to do it. I have to know I am not the only one who is this close to falling off the edge.
*smile*
Voices~
Comment by Cibbuano
20/20 Filmsight
Science News
Hunt Famous
Orble Post of the Day
Fat Cult
Techbreak
Actually, I quite like the swearing. I bet in real life you'd swear - so why not swear in your posts, right?
Comment by LaurenD
LaurenD-- a big fan of primal scream therapy
Comment by The Voices in my Head
The Voices in my Head
Actually, that's another thing I can't do...unless the kids are in bed. They think the word 'fink' is a bad word. At our house, ordinary things are cuss words. For instance, tonight my son was getting something and it fell on the floor. He said, "CHOCOLATE!" to which my younger son was aghast, like he had said something major...like you can't take the name of chocolate in vain.
*sigh* The only time I can really let the real bad words fly is when I am out, on that rare occasion, with my friends...or late at night...during other activities. *blush*
I kid, I tease, I jest...sort of.
Come back,
Voices~
Comment by Brenton
Dr Spin
Tales From The Other Side
Downwrite
Blip Blog
Gadget Museum
"Christopher Columbus!"
Comment by The Voices in my Head
The Voices in my Head
Here is what I think we should do...let's work out the time difference and go outside and scream for all it's worth. If I play my cards right, I could get the dog and the kids to mom's, sneak it in before hubby gets home, and pray the neighbors are gone...and have a primal scream session together.
aaahhhh forget about it...all that work, I'd be too tired. lol
Come back,
Voices~
Comment by The Voices in my Head
The Voices in my Head
That is fucking brilliant...oops. I need to work on that one.
Come back!
Voices~
Comment by Cibbuano
20/20 Filmsight
Science News
Hunt Famous
Orble Post of the Day
Fat Cult
Techbreak
Comment by The Voices in my Head
The Voices in my Head
That's great! Tell me, what do you like to say? OMG?...OMFG??...FM!!...spill it. LOL JUST KIDDING. Don't. Leave that to our imagination...unless it's really good...then you can tell us. *smile*
Come back,
Voices~
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
I had one of those days today and I thought of you. I admire you for all that you do and achieve. How are you feeling? I hope writing your post was cathartic and eventually calming. I hope you don't mind me sharing my day with you.
It wasn't so much that the day was bad (as bad is quite a simple definition), rather it was a collection of feelings, encounters and family history that collimated into rage and pain.
Predictably, my pain moved to rage which then moved into confusion, then worthless. Then lastly, despair.
Who could I turn to? My husband is supportive but works long hours, we see each other on weekends. I'm in bed by the time he gets home. I have good friends, but could I turn up on their doorstep in such a state? My parents were a big part of the pain and confusion so that wasn't an option.
I wanted to be somewhere where I could yell FUCKKKK so loudly it would emanate all around my suburb and maybe the world. Then I wanted to cry so hard that perhaps that it would shake the pain from my body.
Eventually I ended up in my local small park with my dog, Fergal crying and laughing. He scampered about only wanting me to play with him. When I did, his legs flailed behind him as he ran with all his energy. Then he'd turn around and run back to me to play again, by then the tears were back, but also the smile. I must've looked like a mad-woman on drugs, but then again who would notice, I live in inner-city Sydney. Anything goes.
Then I came back and looked at Orble still feel empty. This was a site that I wanted to write on because I thought of you. I hope I haven't been too indulgent telling you about my day when you're having a tough time yourself. But I wanted you to know you're not alone. I also wanted to know I wasn't alone. Thank-you.
Tracy
Comment by The Voices in my Head
The Voices in my Head
I am so glad you shared with me. I am not sure how much the season plays into the feelings you have but the commercialism of Christmas puts me in a foul mood when I encounter it too much, as well as other things.
When you talked about Fergal and his legs being splayed out behind him, I laughed because I have a pure black shih tsu that is showdog quality but you would never know it. He is always a mess and thinks he is a big dog. But when he sees me, his legs are splayed behind him and he paws at me like a kitten nursing and sticks out his bottom teeth so all you see is this half smile. It's like the Cheshire cat. Everything else is invisible but the smile. He just makes me laugh no matter what kind of mood I am in. I am glad you have that, too.
Know that you are not alone in your pain about your family.
You are always welcome to come back to this post anytime and just scream,
"FUCKKKKKKKKK!"
anytime you need to! *smile*
I hope everything is better for you but if not, come back and let some more out today until it is...You owe no one such a debt to carry pain and rage...remember that!
Come back,
Voices~
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
Thank-you so much for your message. I hadn't realised you'd replied as for some reason I didn't get an email otherwise I would've replied earlier. (I've now pressed the right button, so now that will happen!!). I've been thinking of you and hoping things are a bit better.
Would you believe Fergal is half-Shi Tzu and half-Maltese, so maybe there is something in their breed that makes their legs splay out when they run.
Thanks for being there and allowing me the space to share, it really helped. I think it was so many feelings, combined with Christmas expectations that made me reach that pressure point. Probably rather like you.
Hope you have a relaxing and peaceful Christmas, I'll be thinking of you,
Tracy
PS I will be back when I need to scream again!!
Comment by The Voices in my Head
The Voices in my Head
It is the Shih Tsu in them that makes them do that. I love it and it was part of what made me fall in love with the breed. Their little smashed in noses and big bulbous eyes are a part of it to. I think Shih Tsus are just the best dogs ever. A lot of people think they are just a yippy little dog but they aren't like that at all. They aren't moody or nippy or any of that. They just love you unconditionally. They also snore. I like that, too. lol
Isn't he ADORABLE? lol
Come back, and have a WONDERFUL Christmas...
Voices~
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
Awww, your little angel is adorable. What's his name? Yes, I agree our little droplet of love isn't yappie at all nor nippy or moody. If he does have moods, it's usually a tired mood (where he doesn't want to leave his bed) or a pesky mood where he dashes about the place like a wild dog. I love that one
Here's a pic of him:
Byeee